It’s been a month since you are gone. I am still not used to it. I know it’ll never be the way it was. You see, I’ve been working a lot on myself in this past month. I was thinking, reading, crying and talking. I’ve come to a few important conclusions. I’ve gathered them here, in a post, for all of us that are hurting and for all of those that will be hurting in the future.
1.) IT HURTS. And that’s okay.
With loosing someone close to you comes pain. At the begining it hurt so much, I couldn’t even breath. I hated this pain, I didn’t want to accept it and I’ve only made it worse. And then I realised this is the right thing. It is supposed to hurt. So I can get over it and move on. This pain I’m feeling is all the pain I can’t give anymore. And I’ve accepted it and now it’s easier to breath. And I know it’ll get easier every day.
2.)EVERYONE GRIEVES IN THEIR OWN WAY. If you’ll feel better, just do it!
Every person grieves differently. And no mourning is the wrong kind. Don’t judge someone just because they don’t grieve the same way as you do. If it makes it easier for them, let them be. Let them live with their won pain in their own way. You can only help with by being by their side. No need to be smarty pants and telling people what to do and how to live. This is also the reason why everyone express their condolences in their own way. I was terrified of condolences. Because it’s not my thing, I don’t feel them and I don’t need them. I am grateful to my partner who helped me understand that everyone that came and expressed them to me, only ment the best. And they said what would help them if they were in my situation.
3.)IT’LL GET BETTER. It doesn’t matter when.
Everyone need their time when grieving. Some people go on with their lives right away and some need a bit more time for that. I am thankful that people around me gave me my time I needed to process and to move on. So I was able to have a word with myself and let me know it’ll be better. So I also started believing that. Because in the beginning the shock sweeps you off your feet. You don’t know where, how, why and you cannot imagine your life has to continue. But then you start each day from the start. You survive each day, one day at a time. And suddenly you realise, live does go on.
4.) BEING HAPPY IS ALLOWED. And no one will judge you if you laugh.
From the begining I was felling guilty everytime I smiled or felt happy. How can I laugh and be happy right now?!? This was the hardest lesson for me. Of course I did smile, laugh and was happy, but , as hard as it is to admit, I was feeling really guilty because of it. But I wasn’t made for being in a bad mood, I love to be happy and slowly came the realisation, there is nothing wrong with that. Of course I am not happy all the time and there are moments when I feel down and I cry. But I wish to live my life with a smile on my face.
5.) TALKING HELPS. And sometimes silence is the key.
It was hard for me to have a conversation. I put a distance between me and people around me. I just didn’t want any company. I was afraid of talking about my mother and I couldn’t imagine a conversation not being about her. After a while I realised, it feels good having a company of people that talk about other stuff. And to talk with people that knew my mother about her. And to talk with people that knew my mother about other stuff. And sometimes forget about everything and just talk. About work, kids, mutual (or not) interests, other people’s problems and just live. And I am happy to have so many people (also in blogger circles) around me, that offered to listen to me, if I’ll need it. And I am happy I have people around me that understood me, knew what I wanted to say, talked to me, calmed me down, soothed me and remembered her with me. And that there are people around me that understood that sometimes I can’t talk and all I need is silence!
One big THANK YOU to everyone! Each and everyone of you that took the time in the past month to write to me, that remembered me, offered their condolances, send me a hug or just let me know they are thinking of me!
You see, mom, I’ll be okay. Even though you are gone, I am not alone. And I am not lonely. Yes, I miss you, but I can manage. I will survive. And I’ll keep remembering you!